The Audacity of Unsolicited Grief Policing: Who's Judging Your Healing Timeline?

Years ago, I remember going through it after my grandmother had passed. I was sitting to myself in a corner of the room, crying my eyes out when someone approached me and said, "What's wrong with you? Why are you crying? You still sad about your Gran-Gran?" I wanted to slap the taste out of their mouth!

Have you ever been in the presence of someone who tried to rush you through the grieving process? It seems to be a common thing these days. First, to have the audacity to rush another person's healing process is rather offensive. Second, to inflict a timeline on someone as to when they should be done being over a loved one's passing is absolutely absurd, selfish and downright ignorant.

Yes, I said all of that because someone has to! It seems more people get away with forcing their ideologies, methods or lack thereof on our lives by telling us how to heal, when to forgive and how to honor a loss. People should always keep in mind that healing is not linear. Everyone is different, every experience is different.

"When the mind becomes riddled with chaos, each thought leaning precariously on the next, emotions threaten to topple like high rises in the storm of overwhelm. One should be careful how they navigate this fragile structure, moving with intention to restore balance before it all crumbles." ~Miela

"People should always keep in mind that healing is not linear. Everyone is different, every experience is different."

The Healing Journey is a Personal One

Healing from loss or hurt is a personal journey that requires solitude. Therefore, it's important to respect each person's path and process. If you are an acquaintance or friend of someone who's dealt with loss, you may feel inclined to ask them questions to gauge their stance or emotional state. And while you may have genuine intentions, it can be taken as inconsiderate to someone processing their emotions and figuring out how to show up in the world, daily. Listen and hear me good, now:

The last thing a grieving person wants to hear is:

"You know your loved one wouldn't want you to feel this way."

(I'm sorry Barbara, how the hell would you know that? You didn't know my loved one and you certainly don't know me.)

Here's another one that gets me:

"You know, it gets better...". 

(Who says? Have you spent an hour in my head or been me?)

Who even makes up these sayings? Whoever is responsible needs to be charred at the stake and fed to the bears at Christmas. Bearing witness to someone attempting to aggravate and impose a timeline or way of coping is counterproductive and even harmful...for the harassers and those being harassed.

 "And while you may have genuine intentions, it can be taken as inconsiderate to someone processing their emotions and figuring out how to show up in the world, daily."

Grief Has No Expiration Date

The pain of losing a loved one or experiencing a traumatic event can linger for years, even decades. The grieving process is complex, and it's not uncommon for waves of sadness or deep longing to resurface, unexpectedly. Putting a time limit on grief invalidates the depth of the loss and the unique bond shared with the person who has transitioned. Losing somebody we considered dear to us or even enduring a painful chapter in life can leave indelible marks on the soul whose imprints can't simply be erased with time. Grief is not a sprint where we compete for the most gruesome and tragic lived-out tale but rather an endless journey, wound in unpredictability, like a fishing line around an old, decayed rod. Imagine waking up to find memories crashing over you like a merciless wave, a deluge of emotions on the verge of pulling you into an endless abyss. Suggesting that grief should have an expiration date undermines the realness of the bonds we've forged and the heaviness of the sadness we bear for our loss. Grieving is not about neatly moving forward, as if loss were a mere detour on the highway of life. It's about navigating the weight of that loss with compassion, understanding that love transcends all boundaries - even those of time and distance.

"Suggesting that grief should have an expiration date undermines the realness of the bonds we've forged and the heaviness of the sadness we bear for our loss."

Like a skilled sculptor, grief molds and shapes us, chiseling away at our edges little by little, revealing the depths of our resilience and the strength of the spirit within. Losing someone or something dear to us can be an incredibly difficult time in life. Grief and the process of dealing with loss can be likened to a transformation - a metamorphosis that requires us to acknowledge and accept every emotion, even the overwhelming ones. For those who have not walked this path, it may seem like a journey without end, but those of us who have navigated its terrain know that grief is a testament to the love we have shared with our lost loved ones...one that echoes through the ages - defying the finite limits of mortality. So, when the well-intentioned suggest that we "move on, like our loved ones would have us to" let us smile flippantly, blocking their intrusive energies, for we understand that grief is not a burden to be passed off or shed but a sacred journey...one that reminds us of the beautiful connections that give our lives meaning and depth.

"For those who have not walked this path, it may seem like a journey without end, but those of us who have navigated its terrain know that grief is a testament to the love we have shared with our lost loved ones...one that echoes through the ages - defying the finite limits of mortality. "

Four Valuable Takeaways for Supporting the Grieving Process

Don't Rush the Flow of Grief

Grief flows at its own pace, ebbing and crashing in ominous waves. Trying to dam that body of water or divert its course has proven futile. Allow those grieving to ride the currents as they come, without judgment or demands for a swifter journey. This ship is not yours to navigate, chill.

Don't Talk, Just Listen

The healing heart doesn't need a lecture on how it should mend. It needs a compassionate listener to bear witness to the pain, without trying to re-write the story. Your presence and willingness to create a safe space for raw, uninhibited emotion is a balm.

Reminisce on the Good Times

Don't let the loss be a void. Share short stories and little-known facts about the departed, sweet memories, recounting joyful moments spent while they were here. This validates the heaviness of what has been lost while still honoring the light that person brought.

Respect the Need for Solitude

As much as your company may soothe at times, there will also be moments when grieving hearts need solitary reflection. Don't let your ego get in the way- it's not rejection. Simply check in gently without the expectation of an exchange of dialogue. Be sure to lend a supportive presence and assure the grieving party that you are available. Allow the journey to unfold and flow organically, creating a safe and nurturing space for the seed of true healing to take root.

Miela, formerly known as Niki Blu, is a writer and intuitive strategist who weaves wisdom from her own life experiences into thought-provoking content. Through her work, she aims to inspire balance, compassion, respect and peace of mind in her readers. Writing from a place of authenticity and deep reflection, Miela invites others to explore their journeys with courage and grace, always honoring the complexity of the human experience.